Posting as much as I can :-)

Hello my loyal readers! I haven't posted anything in a while because most of the stuff that is going on I can't write about it on here. All I can say is that there is still no news.

My grandparents and Aunt Carla came in town this weekend! Well technically they went to Georgetown for the weekend and then Dallas until yesterday. They were in town for Amanda's senior weekend! It really meant a lot to us that they came down (my Papa is a little on the cheap side) and that we were able to spend some time with them. It's a little sad to be around them now because my Meme is not doing well, she has dementia and it's getting worse. But it's still great to see her. :-) Amanda had a GREAT senior weekend! They won their last two soccer games (her last two soccer games ever! oh my!) ANNNDD in the last game Amanda scored the winning goal! Here are some photos of the weekend:






Also, the weekend before was Halloween! I had a great time in College Station hanging out with my love! He was a doctor zombie and I was a madhatter (aka slutty costume).





Due to my life being in limbo right now I have been floating around options for my life in my head. I am going to apply for grad school for the fall for speech-language pathology. I really like the program and it gives me several options instead of just working in school districts. One option I really like is working with people who have had strokes. I could help them learn how to talk again! All I know is that I want to help people. I have always wanted to do that. I feel like in this job I can help many people from different ages and walks of life. I like that idea. I am applying to TWU, UTD and UNT. TWU is a three year program and the other two are two years. I would obviously like to do the two year programs, but either way I have to go where I get in right? It will take me an extra semester or year (included in the time I already stated) because I don't have a speech-language pathology undergrad. Oh well, you do what you have to do to get to what makes you happy right? Well that is my main plan right now. I am taking the GRE in January so I will be studying for that until then.

As a whole I am doing alright, some days are harder than others. When I decided I wanted to be a teacher over six years ago this is not where I thought I would be my first year of teaching. I miss my kids. Some family stressers aren't really helping either. Not my mom though, she's doing great! Her levels are down! She was 1400 this summer and it's down to 520! We need to be at 0 to be cancer free, but it's much better to be going down than up! :-)

I think that's all for now, I need to start studying for the GRE. I hope you are doing well and I love each of you! :-)

Hello Out There!

It has been very busy in the world of Jennifer. School is going great! Some days are harder than others, but I really do love it. The kids are great and they really are the reason why I get up and go to school. This next month is going to be even crazier though. I have one-two trainings every week, which is has been happening but more two days than one. haha.

My mom has been doing a lot better. I really think it helps that she has something to look forward to on the weekends. She goes to Amanda's soccer games every weekend, along with my Dad. So that has been helping things a lot, to know that she is happier.

I have some very exciting weekends coming up! This weekend I will be venturing down to College Station to see my handsome man. I am really excited about it and it will be nice because his room mates will gone so we will be having a lot of alone time, which will be very nice. Don't get me wrong I really like his room mates, they are all awesome guys, it will just be nice to just be with Nick.

The next weekend my girls in town!! We have some AWESOME things planned! We are going to take a long walk in the morning to help Rachel train for her 3day Breast Cancer walk! I'm really excited about that! It will be great for all of us to walk and talk. :-) Then we are going to an Urban Street Bazaar. It's in the Arts District. There's going to be a lot of artist from painters, jewelery makers, iron sculpture things haha. It will be a lot of fun to look through everything and maybe buy a few things.

The next weekend is Allie's wedding and Amanda's birthday! I will be in Georgetown for Amanda's birthday and then watching her play soccer and eating at their picnic on Sunday.

The NEXT weekend I'm going to League City to see my sped girls!!! I haven't seen them in FOREVER! We are possibly going to the beach and just plain hanging out!

The NEXT weekend I am going to College Station again to see Nick for Halloween and hopefully Lauren and Brent will be in town as well so we can all hang out! :-) We are going to watch some old horror movies and what not, I'm pretty excited, I haven't seen those old ones with Vincent Price and what not.

Well that was a lay out of my October haha. I just have a feeling I won't be able to write much so I thought I would just let you know now. :-)

THIS WEEKEND I went to the Taylor Swift concert on Friday! I was VERY impressed by her. If I had a little girl I would love to have her look up to Taylor. She actually went into the crowd to sing a song. She always had positive things to say and it was a wholesome show, for the most part haha. The only problem was that some idiot girl who can't hold her alcohol threw up before Taylor even came on. They cleaned it up for us but it still smelled bad.

I got a massage yesterday and it helped A LOT. I had a headache since Thursday (work problems) and once he (yes he, talk about that in a second) finished my headache was gone! I might have to get one every few months, help the tension build up in my back. So when I booked the appt. I forgot to make sure I had a female so I get there and I have a guy. I was very awkward, as I am sure you could guess haha. He asked me to lay on my back and I declined nicely haha I just said I wanted him to work on my back. haha. Oh my, I will remember next time I book the appointment! :-)

Well, folks, that's all. :-) I hope you are doing very well and I miss all of you very much! Hopefully you were on my list that I will be seeing soon! If not, get on my list for November!! :-)

Holy Moly I Haven't Wrote in a While

Hellllloooo!! Well it has been a CRAZY long time since I wrote and I thought I would fill yall in on my fabulous life. ;-)

I LOVE my job! The kids are great and it is definitely a challenge. It's really hard and stressful but what job isn't? This semester is going to be insane because I have all of my ARD (the meeting special ed has to have every year for each sped student and it's A LOT of paper) meetings this semester. I guess that means the spring will be lighter? Although then TAKS is then... haha oh well. I am getting the hang of teaching two grades at once and trying to motivate the students to work. :-)

The family is going well. :-) Mom's cancer level went down a point last week or so, so that's good news. :-) She still gets sick and what not from the chemo, but I think she is doing better now that Amanda's soccer season has started because her and my dad go to almost all of the games.

Nick and I are doing great! I was FINALLY able to see him this past weekend. We had a great time and it felt wonderful to be able to just hang around with him. We found out today that he won't be able to do our spring break trip because his senior project has some stuff over spring break so we will just have to postpone until June. Which is fine with me, I have the time off, and it might be nice to just have those days off and be able to hang around a bit. AND I will be able to go to CS for a few days to see his project and hopefully (if they are still there) see Lauren and Brent for a few days!

Speaking of Lauren and Brent! :-) I got to hang out with them this weekend as well!!! I was and still am very happy I got to see them! I miss just hanging around the house and chatting with those two. They are so much fun and I love to hear about all the stuff they have going on. Always something fun. :-) I am really excited to see Lauren in a few weeks for girls weekend!

I get to see Amanda this weekend! She has a game and I am going to drive down on Sat. so that we can hang out for a bit and I can see her play. We are in serious need of some sister time. :-)

On a note that probably doesn't seem like a big deal to you but is huge to me! I get to only take my allergy shot every 3 weeks now! Going from twice a week and then one for almost two years... going to every 3 weeks is awesome! Helps with time too.

I really think that's all. :-) Not much of a post for how long it's been but I feel like all I have been doing is school stuff. It's the first year.. always crazy and always memorable. :-)

Thank you Sarah :-)

I can't sleep so I thought I would steal this from Sarah's blog and do it myself! Enjoy!

1. What time did you get up this morning?: 7:30
2. How do you like your steak?: medium rare
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.. BALLIN'
4. What is your favorite TV show?: of all time.. Friends currently on tv? Bones
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?: NYC or Washington D.C. but not when I have kids
6. What did you have for breakfast?: Life cereal
7. What is your favorite cuisine?: Steak and potatoes
8. What foods do you dislike?: A lot of things.. the list is to long.
9. Favorite Place to Eat?: Roadhouse
10. Favorite dressing?: Ranch
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?: Ford Fushion (or as I like it call it, my James Bond car)
12. What are your favorite clothes?: Dresses, I think they flatter my figure the best
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?: Europe.. all of it!
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?: working on that.. I would say 1/2 full because if I'm thirsty I'm going to drink that water
15. Where would you want to retire?: Near my family
16. Favorite time of day?: Sundown
17. Where were you born?: Dallas
18. What is your favorite sport to watch?: Football, but I like to watch all sports (except wrestling... I do not like that one bit)
19. Bird watcher?: When I am at my grandparents cabin in Ruidoso, NM: yes, otherwise: no
20. Are you a morning person or a night person?: I would say both. Since I'm an adult now I tend to not be able to stay up very late but I enjoy the good times usually had.
21. Do you have any pets?: as if you didn't know... I have a black lab named Bear. I love him very much and it scares me to think I will love my husband and children more than I love him. He's like my child, he scares me when I think he is hurt and worry about his play time with other kids. haha. (side note: Sarah- I loved your comment!)
22. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?: I start new teacher training next week!!!! :-) And I get to see my kids in about two and a half weeks!!! HOORAY!
23. What did you want to be when you were little?: A geneticists.
24. What is your best childhood memory?: Reading books with my mom.
25. Are you a cat or dog person?: If you know me at all you know this answer. Dog person.
26. Are you married?: Nope and don't want to be for a while. (opposed to what many people in the Richardson ISD seem to think.. they always say they are sorry when they ask if I am married or not haha I want to respond don't be I'm not!)
27. Always wear your seat belt?: Yes, they save lives. I kind of see it as an equivalent to smoking-- you know it could hurt you one day so why do you do it? (or in the seat belts-don't)
28. Been in a car accident?: Yes, and old Asian lady slammed into my car making it not drivable and has given me neck and back pain. :-( And then a week after I got my new car someone hit me from behind. Also, my junior year of high school on Homecoming night all dressed up in my fancy gown my friend hit me from behind on 75 while we were driving to a restaurant. Not so funny at the time but it was an experience.
29. Any pet peeves?: many things
30. Favorite pizza toppings?: cheese
31. Favorite flower?: daisies and sunflowers
32. Favorite ice cream?: cookies and cream-- blue bell if I am being bad and the slow turned stuff for regular times.
33. Favorite fast food restaurant?: ummm I can't really stand fast food lately but if I had to I can usually eat the southern style chicken sandwich from MickeyD's
34. How many times did you fail your driver's test?: Zero
35. From whom did you get your last email?: Karen- my student teaching observer because we are having dinner tomorrow night to catch up before school starts.
36. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?: If I didn't have to pay for it... Target, I could get clothes and apartment stuff :-)
37. Do anything spontaneous lately?: On Sat. Nick and I went to Houston to see The Producer's, that wasn't spontaneous because we already bought the tickets but I didn't plan dinner beforehand- we used my iPhone to find a restaurant when we were almost there... that's about as spontaneous as I get haha.
38. Like your job?: I definetly hope so! I am freaking out right now but I know that I will love it once I get the hang out it. I just need to meet my kids, that always helps me to get a better perspective, not worry about the paperwork as much, more on the kids.
39. Broccoli?: Yes, one of the few vegetables that I like.
40. What was your favorite vacation?: I have liked all of the vacations I have been on! Africa (Zimbabwe and South Africa), New York City, California, and Costa Rica. I didn't like Cancun very much but I think if I was doing the more touristy things instead of the taking care of drunk people thing I would have had a better time. :-)
42. Last person you went out to dinner with? Kallyn, but technically it was lunch haha
43. What are you listening to right now?: Casino Royale on the t.v.


That's all folks! I hope you enjoyed!

The Blank Canvas

While I was writing in my journal I started looking at my wall and realized my life is kind of like my wall right now. On hold. The frames are filled, which shows that part of my life that is set. I have a job, I have a place to live, and great friends and boyfriend. And then there are the blank canvases. I see them as my present and future. They are blank, waiting to be filled. Waiting to know what will be put on them. I feel like I am at a cross roads right now. I can go down a path that makes me bitter and hate God or one that makes me into a positive person who knows that God is there for me during this time and the rest. Right now I am happy to be in the bitter, hating God path. But I'm scared for where that leads. I was already on edge with God for a few years, but it's always been in the back of my mind, something I didn't want to deal with. But now, with everything in front of me, it makes me face those thoughts.

I'm going to stop with this post now because it's getting into those dark places that I'm sure you don't want to hear about so I will be going back to my journal, pen and paper style.

Update on Mom: She met with her doctor Wed. and he said that her cancer levels are the same from May. Which means that it's not getting any better but not worse either. But it started out pretty bad. They said BEST case scenario about a year, but this isn't the best case if her levels aren't lowering. I also don't know if they meant a year from when the cancer developed (March) or when they diagnosed it (end of May). I know they can never make exact time lines, it would be silly to do that. I just have to remind myself that six years was a miracle, so I should be happy with whatever God gives me. Right?

Side note: HOORAY FOR SEAN MOVING TO DALLAS!!! I am EXTREMELY excited about having him closer, now if Lauren, Brent and Nick would just hurry up and get to Dallas it would be perfect. ;-)

The Odds and Ends

There is nothing specific I wanted to write about in this post. Just thought I would give an update on my life right now.

The past two weeks have been very difficult. My Meme, Papa and Aunt Carla were in town, which made things a little stressful. I love them very much but seeing as I have to do most of the stuff around the house it was a lot of extra work. Also, Meme and Papa just don't really understand what Mom is going through. She pushed herself a lot that week to do stuff but they just don't get why she is so tired and that she doesn't feel well. They just don't cope with it very well. That Thursday was my Mom's birthday. We had 16 people at the house so it was a little crowded, but nice to see everyone.



That is a picture, obviously, of my Mom and I on her birthday. Holidays are really hard lately because I don't know if it will be the last one with my mom. 4th of July for some reason was really hard on me, all I could think about was that she might not be there to watch the parade next year. On a positive note for her birthday I gave Erin and Jay their wedding present and they loved it. :-) I made them a scrapbook of their dating time and it also included all of the wedding stuff. They said it was the best wedding present they got so that made me really happy. :-)

Last week... oohhhhh last week... My mom was very depressed from everything going on plus my Meme and Papa left early. I don't really want to say on here specifically what happened, but it was bad and it was heart breaking (if you want to know just call me, I just don't want to write it on here for anyone to see). It seems that this week is looking better so hopefully we are on the up.

I GET TO SEE NICK THIS WEEKEND!!! I am EXTREMELY excited because I am going to College Station to see him and then Saturday we are going to Houston to see The Producer's (it's my anniversary present :-)). I am really excited because although I LOVE seeing him here in Dallas, we don't have a lot of alone time because he wants to see his family as well (which is of course a good thing-- just saying the reason for why we don't have a lot of alone time here). I'm also going to be helping him move ANNNNDDDDD I get to see Lauren!!! We are having dinner Mon. night. This promises to be a WONDERFUL weekend.

I have been trying to get prepared for my classroom. I feel like I am way behind but I know I am ahead. It's just the perfectionist in me coming out. I am REALLLY excited though!!! I know it will be stressful, but it's finally here. I have been waiting about 7 years for this. To have my own classroom, and it's almost here!!! :-)

That's it for now I guess. Just wanted to do a little update. I hope all of you are doing wonderfully. I miss each of you terribly.

Journal Time

I have decided that I need to start a journal. Usually the blog would be enough to get out what I am thinking, but lately I have been having a lot of rough days and I don't really want to put all of that negative energy on my blog (or on my "readers"). I have been trying to find different ways to deal with my stress and depression. I have started doing acupuncture, I walk the dogs for an hour to an hour and a half a day, I try breathing exercises, I always keep myself busy but I am still not being able to control it as well as I would like (there in lies the problem... control). So I think I am going to start a journal. I found my old one that helped me get through Martin and I's break up so I think I will just continue with that one. It helped a lot last time so hopefully it will help again. :-)

Also, I am really starting to stress about teaching. I just had all of these things that I wanted to do beforehand to prepare myself better and I haven't done any of them (I started yesterday). I know that life gets in the way, it's just really hard for me to not give over 100% to something, and right now I feel like I haven't. I know that technically it hasn't started yet, but well, you know me, always want to be prepared. So it is full stem ahead!

On a happier note! I get to have a sleepover with Rachel this weekend and I am CRAZY excited about it! We haven't been able to hang out or even talk much in about a month so it will be great to catch up! :-)

ps HARRY POTTER WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)

My Legacy

I have decided that next summer I am going to begin a project I like to call My Legacy. With everything going on with my mom and talking with my grandparents about their childhoods and where are ancestors are from, I realized that I want my kids and grandchildren to know everything about me. And heaven forbid I pass away before I am old and gray, they will have something to read that gives them not only information on my life but advice. Like tell my kids about my first relationship (the highs and all of the lows), how they should save their money (especially in high school), they should travel as much as possible, that it isn't just a cliche statement to judge a person by who they are on the inside, to teach them that your size does not matter but your health does. I feel like I have already learned a lot in my short life and I want to write it all down. I think it will be nice to look at it when (hopefully) I am old and start forgetting these early years. And I want my kids to know me, because let's face it, most kids when they are teenagers don't really try to get to know who their parents are. I have this project I am doing for Christmas with my Grandma (I can't say exactly what it is because Amanda reads my blog and she is getting the present but if you want to know send me a text) that will hopefully shed even more light on my Grandma and other ancestors history. For example, I have a great great great grandmother (maybe another great in there??) that was a nurse in the Civil War (for the south of course.. uh oh) and met all of these generals and was given prestigious awards for her service in the war. Just these little things I think really let us know about ourselves. I really think it's important to know where you come from to help you know where you are going. And with the My Legacy project I hope to be able to show my kids where they came from.

Jenniferology

Rules: Read it and fill it out :-) haha

FOODOLOGY:
What is your salad dressing of choice? Ranch Fat-Free
What is your favorite sit down restaurant? hummmm Roadhouse?
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Domino's
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? ice cream
What are your pizza toppings of choice? cheese and more cheese
How many televisions are in your house? 4... but that's because 2 are not working right now bc they were so old they are not digital.. so soon it will be 6
What color cell phone do you have? black iPhone with a black and clear cover (why is this in the foodology part??)

BODYOLOGY:
Are you right-handed or left-handed? right
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? the 5 piercings I had haha
What is the last heavy item you lifted? glass water bowl for the dogs

BULLCRAPOLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? no, from what is going on now I think it's best to just live every day like it is your last day
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I wouldn't. My name is the name my mom had planned out since she was a little girl. I am the Jennifer Marie she has always wanted :-)
How many pairs of flip-flops do you own? umm a good amount, but I only wear my A&M ones
Last person you talked to? Nick :-)
Last person you hugged? My mom

FAVORITOLOGY
Season? Fall
Holiday? I don't think I have a particular one, I enjoy them all
Day of the week? Saturday.. it's the day I try to make myself relax
Month? April so far. There are usually a lot of events going on and my birthday is that month

CURRENTOLOGY
Missing someone? NICK!!!!
Mood? aggravated
What are you listening to? DAMN FOX NEWS (can you tell I'm annoyed?? Papa -my grandfather- is a wonderful conservative like my father and likes to make comments the whole time that annoy the heck out of me, but as another side note: he doesn't know I am a Democrat. And he never will.. love my Papa to death but there is NO way I would want to have a political discussion with him)
Watching? see above
Worrying about? hahahahhahahah ummm Mom, grandparents, Dad's health, the dogs, becoming a teacher, my students, my health (I am now having back problems), long distance with Nick and the list goes on and on :-)
First place you went this morning? walked the dogs for an hour (short walk today)
What's the last movie you saw? The Proposal! WAAYYY CUTE
Do you smile often? I try :-)

MEOLOGY
If you could change your eye color what would it be? I wouldn't
What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I don't haha
Do you own a digital camera? haha yes, I have a SLR Canon Digital Rebel T1I as my fancy camera and then a Panasonic for a point and shoot
What's on your wish list for your birthday? pots and pans for my future apartment
Can you do push ups? yes
Can you do a chin up? not well
Does the future make you more nervous or excited? definitely excited, if you aren't excited about your future than you should change it :-)
Car wreck? unfortunately yes, more than one
Do you have an accent? yes, everyone does, just matters where you go haha
When was the last time you cried? today
Plans tonight? reading Harry Potter and attempting to sleep
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? yes
Name 3 things you bought yesterday? pants for teaching, yogurt, and ranch mix for dinner
Have you ever been given roses? yes
Met someone who changed your life? several
How did you bring in the New Year? with a wonderful night with Nick
Name three people who might complete this? Sarah, Lauren and Lara?? PLEASE :-)
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? yes, I would love to see many historical events (man where is that DeLorean when I need it!)
Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? several actually
Does anyone love you? yes
What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't sing in the radio.. it would just be mean to those around me ;-)
Do you like to cuddle? whenever my love is around!
Have you held hands with anyone today? nope
Who was the last person you took a picture of? the family on the 4th
Are most of the friends in your life new or old? newish, from college
Do you like pulpy orange juice? I like McDonald's orange juice.. does that have pulp?
What is something your friends make fun of you for? what do my friends not make fun of me for?? haha ummm Nick makes fun of the fact that I cut up my steak right when I get it
What is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? last weekish- we took them to Hurricane Harbor with us
What were you doing 12 AM last night? laying in bed
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? swimming.. I had a dream about swim team and I hadn't had one of those in a long time!


I hope you enjoyed Jenniferology time :-) PLEASE fill it out! It will be fun to read everyone's posts!

Honest Scrap

I have been instructed by my beautiful, wonderful friend Sarah to do the Honest Scrap Award thinger.

The Rules:
1. Tell your readers 10 things that are true that they might not know.
2. Tag 10 other bloggers to do the same. (I am skipping this step since Sarah tagged everyone that I know that reads my blog! haha)

My Top 10:

1. I am COMPLETELY excited to begin my job! I know I should probably be terrified, but the fear has not set in yet. I am only thinking about how I have been waiting for this day for six years.. I finally get my own classroom and I get to inspire children's lives! I have told myself over and over again that as long as I make a difference in one child's life then my teaching career will be worth it. So here's to making a difference!

2. I actually completely love the Twilight series. I try to down play it but they were my first "romance" type novels and I enjoyed them immensely.

3. "Working out" is the best way for me to relieve stress. I have been walking the dogs for about an hour and a half pretty much every day to help with my stress and to hopefully get myself to sleep at night (doesn't always work). I like to run on the treadmill but only if I am watching a t.v. show that I can concentrate on. ALSO I was able to actually run (well running for me) an entire mile and a half without slowing down! I was rather proud of myself.

4. I am always trying to find ways to improve myself. What I am working on now: not thinking the worst will always happen. I tend to do that, especially with the men in my life. I never think they are going to do the right thing, which is not fair for them and something they do not deserve. So I am working on being a better person in that matter.

5. One of my dream trips is to travel the east coast. I LOVE history and want to stop at all the little museums and churches and see the history of our amazing country. This is a little bittersweet because my mom and I had planned on doing this trip together one summer. But I have made a promise to myself that I will do this trip no matter what. It's what she would want.... on to something a little lighter :-)

6. I continually design my future apartment in my head because I am in a designing mood and don't have anything to design! (Although I do have that painting I have been meaning to paint for over a year now...)

7. I love to paint. I found this out when I was painting pottery for Christmas presents. This makes me tied to my father's side because my entire Dad's side were painters or opera singers. It makes me feel connected to the people I am connected to but have never met.

8. I love to take care of people. This is one of my best and worst personality traits. It makes people like to be around me but sometimes it means I get taken advantage of. Although, I am the one that allows them to do this (another thing I am working on.. standing up for myself). I think this is one of the main characteristics that made me want to be a teacher. I have always wanted to take care of people, and who better to take care of then children?

9. I LOVE musicals, plays as well, but definitely musicals. I try not to miss any of the Dallas Summer Musicals (it's the Broadway musicals on tour). They make me come alive. Here's a secret about me: I would absolutely love to be in a musical. I, of course, would be awful because I can not sing and I get nervous in front of crowds. But when I listen to the soundtracks I always picture myself on stage and being able to make people feel the way I do when I watch musicals. (another family trait?) I would also love to be a dancer. I don't think this one is as far off because I have pretty good rhythm and my mom said I was good in my lessons when I was younger (we didn't have the money for me to continue). This is why I want to start taking dance lessons, never to late right?

10. I want to make a difference in the world. I don't know if you know that about me. But I have always wanted to make a positive mark in everyone that I meet. That damn song from the 3day Breast Cancer walk (which btw I have decided not to do this year anymore due to I would not make it emotionally for those three days but I will be cheering Rachel and her team on!) makes me cry every time because well the cancer stuff, please it is saying what I am always thinking. I want to make a difference in the world. When I leave this awful, beautiful planet I want people to remember all of the things I did to make it better. It doesn't have to be changing the whole world. Just being a good friend, making a difference in a child's life, being a daughter that made them proud, being a sister that is always there for them, being a mother and wife (if I get to that point) that they knew they could always count on and that loved them. These are the things that I think make a difference in the world. The big exorbitant things done such as trying to cure cancer or hunger in the world are obviously very important but for most people the difference they make will be in the little every day things that make them important and change peoples lives. That's what my mom has done for me and I hope I can do that for others... well look at that.. getting all emotional again. :-)

I will leave you with the lyrics to the song I was just discussing.

It's by Lady Antebellum called: "I Was Here"

You will notice me
I'll be leavin' my mark, like initials carved in an old oak tree
you wait and see
maybe I'll write like Twain wrote
maybe I'll paint like Van Gough,
cure the common cold
i don't know but I'm ready to start cuz i know in my heart

I wanna do something that matters
say something different
something that sets the whole world on it's ear
i wanna do something better, with the time I've been given
and i wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
and leave nothin less that something that says i was here

I will prove you wrong
if you think I'm all talk, your in for a shock
cuz this streams too strong, and before too long
maybe I'll compose symphonies
maybe I'll fight for world peace
cuz I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in this
place

And I know that I, I will do more than just pass through this life
I'll leave nothin less that somethin that says I was here, I was here, I
was here, I was here

Wanna do somethin that matters
somethin that says I was here
wanna do somethin that matters
somethin that says I was here, I was here




Also something to ponder: What will you leave behind?

My wonderful boyfriend :-)

The title of this post is my excuse for why I have not written a post in so long. Wisconsin was wonderful! I met all of Nick's Mom's side (btw she has six siblings and I met all of them!--well except one but that's bc he isn't invited to stuff) and we had a lot of relaxing time! We were at the cabin by the lake all week and people from the family came to us there. We played games and I read Harry Potter while Nick played with his iPhone. I also got to know his sisters and mom better and it was a wonderful experience. I really feel like I am better able to understand Nick by spending time with his family. And btw I love all of them. They always make me feel welcome and that would feel amazing at any time but especially right now it means a lot. It was a really great week all in all :-)

I came back home and I have pretty much been hanging out with Nick and trying to get things in order. I picked out my insurance plan and I'm going to go sign up for it tomorrow. I made a to do list for the rest of the summer that includes all the little projects I need to get done (scrapbook that needs to be finished, organizing my file folders, creating a budget, organizing the attics etc.). That made me feel better because as long as I stick to it I will be able to finish everything I want to before school starts.

For Nick and I's one year anniversary he got me tickets to any play or musical I wanted to go to. :-) (which btw, he could not have picked a better present) We were going to try to go to Wicked but it was sold out so we are going to see The Producers in Houston on Aug. 1. I am REALLY excited about this because I saw the movie and thought it was HILARIOUS! Plus I think it's something Nick will like.

Last week I went to the doctor because I thought I might have an ear infection but it turns out I have TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint (TMJ) Syndrome). It has to do with my jaw and lower parts of my ears and is caused by grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw. This is of course due to stress. Luckily the doctor I went to is my mom's doctor so I didn't have to explain why I was stressed. She gave me some extra strength advil type pill to help if the pain continues (it still hurts--but not as bad so that's good :-)). Just as a side note to anyone that is worried, I have only taken it once. I am really trying to not get on any pills for sleeping or depression because I know they are addictive and I am trying more healthy ways such as working out (which helps my stress A LOT) and talking with people. For the sleep I try to pretty much not stop all day so that I can sleep at night. It works most of the time. :-) Back to about my TMJ, I also went to the dentist to get a mouth guard for when I sleep so that I stop grinding at night. Although, something I thought was kind of ironic: the mouth guard cost $800 (my parents don't have dental insurance)-- and that's supposed to help me with stress? ooooo the irony :-) I have also been having a lot of stomach problems (which has always happened when I am stressed). She said to take some Metamucil and I got some pink lemonade flavored kind today so hopefully that works. :-)

I got an iPhone!!! I was planning on buying one as a "hooray you have a job!" present with my first pay check but my parents bought Amanda one (the cheaper one) so I asked if they would buy me one (I got the 32GB) and she said they would pay for half! Hooray!! I am VERY excited to have one and am looking forward to using it when I am out... I guess I need to start going out more than ;-) Oh, and I am thinking about getting a lens now with my first pay check.. I am just to set on buying myself a nice present hehe.

I have been able to see my sped friends a good amount this summer and that makes me really happy. :-) We are planning a big trip in Sept. to go to League City (where three of us are) to hang out at the beach and talk about our first few weeks of being teachers!

I am really loving the time I am at in my life. Granted my mom being sick right now is not great. But I am at a place in my life where I really begin the rest of my life. How I decide to react to these situations, what I decide to do with my time is really, I think, how I will respond to situations the rest of my life. I am putting off a few things until after my first year of teacher. Just because this year will be very stressful with trying to figure out my classroom and things at home. But after that I really do want to take classes in photography and join clubs and things to make new friends (not that I don't absolutely LOVE my friends now!) and expand my knowledge of what I am good at. Every time I watch So You Think You Can Dance? I always think if I could have been a great dancer. My mom said I was really good when I was younger (we didn't have the money for me to continue). But I think that is something I would have been really good at, and maybe that would have helped me with crowds? But there is no use looking in the past, my plan for the future is to take dance classes. :-) I am hoping to find an adult dance studio around here to join a contemporary or pop dance classes. Nick said he would do dance classes with me too :-) (which I am CRAZY CRAZY excited about!!!!) so I will save ballroom and salsa and all of that for when he moves here (next May).

My plan is also to be better about calling my friends (and you can call too ;-)). Due to being out of town and Nick being here I feel like I haven't talked to them in a long time and I feel bad about that because I want to know what everyone is up too! So don't be shy and give me a call! :-)

My classroom stuff is coming together. I am going to call my principal soon to ask if I can go into my classroom a week before the new teachers start their seminars because I would love to have a few days to completely organize my classroom and get everything (as in where things go) before my paraprofessional gets there. A paraprofessional is my aid in my classroom. I will have one paraprofessional and I really hope they like me but they are going to have to deal with the fact that I am going to make them work hard for every penny they make. :-)

I talked with Amanda, my contact for the car accident I was in (the first one... the one that totaled my Explorer). And everything is starting to wrap up which is really good since I am going to be asking for quotes for car insurance soon. One thing she told me that I didn't know they did was that they are giving me $750 for the pain and suffering I have gone through! So I am pretty crazy about that. I am hoping Dad is going to be nice and let me keep it. :-) I know he is the one paying for insurance, but it's my back, head and knee that was hurt.. right? ;-) So I am thinking that money plus the couple hundred from my first pay check will be get me a VERY nice lens. Although I would have to do research for that. And I just don't know if I have time for that. If anything it will go very well in my savings account until I need/want it. :-)

Well I think that is a good amount of information of what I have been up to. :-) Sorry it's so long, but well it's me, do I ever keep it short? I REALLY hope you are doing well and please call me to chat if you want to hear more or just want to talk to me. :-) If you are reading this than I am sure you are one of the people I miss. Love yall!!!

Wisconsin

I will be in Wisconsin until Sat. June 27 with Nick's sisters, Mom and of course Nick. I am really excited about the trip.

I had such an awful day today that I don't even have the strength to talk about it. And honestly it's so depressing that I am sure no one wants to hear about it. So I will leave it to saying that I am hoping for better days.

Another note: Tactfulness. Some people really need to learn how to use it.

Photography

My photography skills are seriously slacking. I understand that when I look at professional photographers websites they have obviously been doing this for many years and have been trained. Which makes me want to take classes!! Ahhhhhh. I find it interesting how much photography pulls at my heart. In kind of the same way teaching does. I love capturing a moment that can be remembered forever. As most of you know I have an absolutely horrible memory. This is why I love taking pictures because that is how I remember things. I hope to work on my skills to at least feel a little satisfied with my pictures.

Any tips would be great. Places I could look at or anything.

Something I have learned

This is a little silly but last night I was thinking about teaching and then that spun off to my future children which then went to some things I would do differently and some I would not change that my parents did. One thing I would change is positive reinforcement. Due to my Dad's sugar tooth, whenever we did something good or something great happened we would get dessert or go out for ice cream or something like that. This has in turn made me do this. When I did well on a test or accomplished something I would want to congratulate myself with something sugary (most likely Shake's) and hence worth am struggling with my weight (or at least what I think I should weigh). So I would change positive reinforcement. I would have them be able to pick out what movie we watch or something like that. Something I would not change is the independence they gave me and having them repeatedly let me choose what I wanted in life, sometimes those decisions ended with me being hurt but that made me grow up, and I liked that. (well some of them haha)

Anyways, just a little tid bit I was thinking about last night and thought I would share. :-)

OH! I met the teacher I am replacing today (she is going to gen ed 3rd grade) and I am VERY excited! It is going to be a little terrifying seeing as you have to restrain a student a minimum of three times a day haha. (Restraint means that you pretty much hold a child down on the ground until they calm down.. of course they give us training but it's pretty much tackling them on the ground hahah.) I feel a little better knowing what I am getting into now. :-) Although, of course I am still terrified haha, but that's normal right??

Ok well this short post is turning into much longer than it was supposed to (go figure with me right?). I hope you are having a wonderful day!!

The Song of My Life

The song "Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood is my theme song for college. Here are they lyrics if you haven't heard it:

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

I love this song because it says everything that I have always thought. Things happen for a reason, we get through them and hopefully if we have been able to get through it it will make us stronger and better people. Although at some points in my life I just want to shake my fist at God and say "I'm strong enough move on to someone else!" But somehow I always get through it and I think that each of the events have made me a better person. I also feel that these events have helped other people as well. One example is with working with Chrysalis I have been able to see that by going through these things I am able to help younger people learn that they can make it through anything (and hopefully some of this will rub off on my students haha).

I had a WONDERFUL anniversary with my love! We had a lazy day and watch the first two Terminator movies, ate sushi, and then watched Yes Man! All in all fabulous day! ANNNDDD he made me the SWEETEST card EVER!!! He also got me tickets to a musical! So the Anniversary will keep on going when we go see a musical! Yay!

My mom got her port put in today. (A port is something they put in your chest to pump the chemo in that way so that they don't have to stick you with a needle every time.) Everything went great and she is resting right now. The next chemo treatment is Thursday.

ALLLSSOOOO I got a call from my principal today and I have the K-3 kids!!! Which is what I wanted!!! HOORAY!!!!! VERY excited about that! ANNNDDD I am meeting with the teacher who's job I am taking (she is just moving to a different position in the school because she wants something a little less crazy haha, so that is also a bonus because then I will be able to have her for a reference all year!) tomorrow morning so that I can ask her questions and she can show me around the school and I get to see my classroom!!! This makes me really excited because then I can start researching for my classroom (since I'll get a better look at what my classroom will consist of) and I can start making decorations- which are kind of tedious so it will be good to get them done before the two weeks before school starts. I am crazy excited because now I will have a better idea of what I got myself into ;-)

The Hope Particle

Today we went to the pancreatic specialist, Dr. Straus. This was my mom's doctor before when she went through this before. It felt better going there, my parents felt more comfortable because they know everyone. She is going to start chemo tomorrow. This chemo is supposed to be new but the people who have taken it have had less side effects, so that's good.

There was more family drama. Sophia called and she got into a fight with Dad because she doesn't want Mom to be doing chemo because that means that she will be in pain in the last months or year of her life. I understand what she is saying, but it's like the doctors at Southwestern and also Sophia, are just beating the hope out of us. I know that this is bad. I know that. But when she came out of surgery the first time six years ago they said she only had 3-6 months to live. And as I've said, it's been six years. The hope came for me when the doctor said he has never seen this before. He has never seen pancreatic cancer lay dormant for five years and then come back. I know that it's everywhere and that makes it harder. But I don't see the problem in having some hope, instead of preparing for heaven knows how long for death. Why not have hope until the very end? Until that moment where they have to say they can't do anything for us? I have decided to have hope. Because I don't think I can go through each day thinking that there is nothing we can do. I will deal with it when it comes.

Nick and I's One Year Anniversary is on Thursday. :-) This really has been an amazing year. He has taught me how to be a better person, to learn when I am wrong and to stick to something when I am right. I have never known this kind of love and I hope it never goes away. He is my rock and I am learning to lean on him when I need someone. I love you my handsome man and I can't wait to see you. :-)

I have been researching apartments this week. I have planned on moving into my own place next summer. That means I can spend time with the family and save a large amount of my income so that I can have a cushion on my own. Plus, there is that Europe trip I have been wanting to go on. :-) The area I am looking at is Preston Rd. between 190 and Arapaho. This is near Addison and it's near all the fam and only around a 20 min. commute to the job. Sounds great to me :-)

Please keep the prayers coming and I hope you are doing well.

Girl Power

Lara and Lauren came in town this weekend and it definetly helped my spirits. It was great to get out of the house and just get my mind off of everything going on. We went thrift store shopping near Mockingbird Station and Greenville Ave. We ate dinner at Snuffer's and then had the BEST FREAKIN' CUPCAKES I HAVE EVER HAD!!! www.societybakery.com I suggest you have one in your life because they are amazing! We then ventured to the Paramore and No Doubt concert where silliness ensued. I had a really great time. Although we are still in limbo right now with figuring out treatments, my mom is actually doing really well. Thank you girls for keeping my mind off things. I love yall very much :-)

Other exciting news: Nick and I's one year anniversary is on Thursday! I am going to CS that day to have a wonderful date with my love and then this weekend we are going to Austin with Jet and all of the other boys to float the river and have some adventures I am sure. I feel extremely blessed to have Nick in my life. :-)

Some pics of the bands:

The Worst Is Not Yet To Come

We got the results back from the biopsy today. The doctors were wrong. She does not have lung cancer. The cancer she has is pancreatic, which is what she had before. And when Sophia told me this I knew what it meant. Because they told me before. If it was pancreatic, there was no cure. There is no cure for recurring pancreatic cancer because that means that it was to aggressive. They are going to meet with the chemo doc either tomorrow or Mon (I know that is not the exact term for the doc but that's the best one I can think of). We will find out then what they think. Chemo is always a choice, but here it is really being used to extend her life as long as possible. That is always what it is used for, but there is no chance for a cure. It's in her left lung, diaphragm, and lymph nodes. And when it's in the lymph nodes that means it is spreading, and this stuff spreads fast. It wasn't even on her screening in Dec (the one she had to get every six months to make sure it didn't come back).

I keep pushing it back. I know I need to deal with it. But how am I supposed to when I need to be strong for others? I just keep thinking about my distant wedding day. My wedding day that I will not get to share with my mom. I had this awesome idea that instead of throwing the bouquet I was going to present it to my mom as a gesture saying how much I love her and how much she has meant to me in my life and brought me to that place. I still think I will do it. It will be placed next to a picture of her to show her that she is still with me. I know this probably sounds morbid, but I don't know that's just where I am right now. I also keep thinking about when I have kids. My kids are never going to know their Grandma. I will never be able to take pictures with my kids and my mom.

I apologize this blog is so depressing. I was planning on attempting some really positive ones so that I don't sound like some emo kid. But alas, this news makes for another depressing post.

I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, as the above title says... I HAVE A FREAKIN' JOB!!!!!! Omg it feels so amazing to know what I will be doing in August. So here's the down low. ;-) I am going to be a behavior teacher at Yale Elementary in Richardson ISD. Which, by the way, is literally 5 minutes from my house. So yay on saving money on gas (which I can use to get myself to CS to see my man!)! There are two positions, one for K-3 and one for 4-6. The principal said he can not promise me my preference (which is K-3) but either way I will like the job. When I was in the interview it just felt right. I really liked the people who interviewed me. There was the principal, the instructional specialist, a 5th grade teacher and the counselor. Other than the 5th grade teacher (although I might work with her a lot too) I will be working with those people A LOT and I got a really good feeling about them. With behavior I have students that will be at ALL ranges of the spectrum. Some students are in behavior because they can not function in the general ed setting but are just as intelligent, with of course the possibility of being smarter, as their general ed students but because of their behaviors they can not be put in the classroom. I will also have students with behavior and learning disabilities, most students with autism would be put in my class as well. The principal said that I would most likely have 4-6 students, but you never know. The law permits 10 special ed students in a class, but trust me 4-6 in behavior is full enough! :-) I will definetly be doing research this summer about different behavior strategies and how to set up my classroom. I am REALLY excited. I think that I will be able to do a great job with these students.

A funny side note is that I still have two interviews this week! I am going to go to the one tomorrow morning because that was the school that I really liked, and you never know if they offer me a position we will see. I have not signed my papers yet because it all has to go through HR. Although it would be really rude of me and I have a great feeling about the school I said yes to, but it never hurts to go on an interview.

ALSOOOOOOOOO an hour after I said yes to the Yale job I got a call from another principal that I interviewed with that wanted me as well! It was the English resource high school job in Mesquite. I would have taken that job as well but I did prefer the Yale job. But the principal was really nice and told me that if anything falls through to please give him a call because they really wanted me at the school. :-) So that helped the confidence a lot. :-)

Other upsetting things happened today, but for now I just want to have a positive, happy post. And that is what I'm going to focus on. (It's not news about the biopsy, they are now saying that we might have to wait until the end of the week for the results.)

Until another day :-)

The Waiting Game

Thursday was a long day. My mom did a very good job, she was scared (which of course who wouldn't be) but the medicine they gave her helped a lot. They did a biopsy on the lining of her lung, if this part is cancerous (which they think is) that would be one of the worst cases because it is not contained to her left lung. Right now it's not looking great because the mass is close to her aorta, which means they can't surgically take it out. This means that the plan is to do chemo to try to shrink it first and then we would have to wait and see if they would be able to operate. But as of right now... it is inoperable. Yep, that's right... inoperable. So we are hoping that the biopsy comes back negative so that it is at least contained to the left lung, but as history dictates itself... I am not very optimistic. Anyways.. that is my update on that situation. We should know the results early next week.

HARRY POTTER!!!! (don't worry there are not any spoilers)

I finished the last book of Harry Potter and holy crap it was amazing. I have several other books that I have bought and intended to read, but I really want to read books 5-7 again. Seeing as how I have time right now I might just do that. :-) The writing of J.K. Rowling is just astonishing. She did such a wonderful job of tying in everything in the last book. And made you feel things for characters you thought you felt one way for. I am VERY much looking forward to the movie in July.

Job update:

I have two interviews this coming week. One in Garland for a PPCD position and one in Plano for a special ed position (they did not specify). No news from the other interviews, but they all said it would be a few weeks before they would decide. So we shall see :-)

My emotions right now: (you don't have to read this next section, it's a lot of rambling that I just needed to get off my chest, and it's easier to write into nothing than have to put it on someone.)

I feel like there is something wrong with me. When Sophia told me that the doctors have pretty much said it's inoperable.. and we are looking at the most a few years if mom does the chemo and if the chemo does not take her.. and I did not waver. I just listened. It's an odd feeling, everything that has happened so far I just feel like I already knew it was coming. When my mom got sick last time, it took all of myself to be strong for my family, to be the one they relied on. I did everything in the house, I did the cooking, the cleaning, I took care of mom when she was sick, I made sure Amanda had everything for school. I took care of Dad when he didn't know what to do. And now it's back. All of it. It's like God was waiting until I got home for this to happen. I find it odd that only after three months of me being home is when she got sick again. (She hasn't been feeling well since March.) And the last time I lived at home was when she was sick. It's like coming home to what I left. When she was sick I kept telling myself that this was God just giving a warning that she needed to stop smoking and drinking. That is what got me through it. It was a lesson. That's how I get through the rough spots in life, I tell myself they happen for a reason and it helps me to become a better person. But after she went into remission, the drinking and smoking continued. Is this anger from God? Is He mad she did not listen? Or was this just random? I really don't think I can believe this is random. How can I? If there is a God, and now matter how pissed off I am at Him, I still can not find it in myself to deny Him. I know He is there but I don't know how to love him or even like him right now. I know there are many happy parts to my life, and I cling to those, but I still feel like I have been brought a lot of crap in my life. I have always believed that I was given these things because they will help me teach children. When I was working with Chrysalis (a three day walk of faith you could say with teenage girls) I felt like everything I had been through had a purpose because I was able to help many girls come to God by showing them what I have been through. But I don't get this. What was the point of keeping her alive for another 6 years to kill her later? Is that just life? I know we all have to die. I know that. It's just not fair. Which I know sounds childish, but I can't bare to think of all of the things I will want my mom to be there for me, and if this is going the way it sounds like it will be, she won't be there. She won't be there for my wedding, my first child, my first fight with my husband when I need to talk with her. I love Erin and Sophia and we are working through many things right now, but I can't help feel a little upset that they were able to have mom there on some of those occasions and did not use or appreciate her they way I would have. I still have yet to cry fully over the situation. I don't know if that's because I haven't truly let it in or because I don't want to really let it in. I am doing what I always do, take care of everyone around me and then worry about me later. I just don't know how to do this again. How do I (or anyone in the family) go through this when we know what is ahead? We know about the appointments, and how much she will be in pain, and all of the hospital visits.

Please keep the prayers coming.

Quick Update

Dinner tonight went REALLY well with the sisters. I really felt like we connected and were more than just sisters but friends. It was an amazing feeling let me tell you.

I will be at the hospital tomorrow (Thursday) for my mom's biopsy. Prayers are needed. It's not looking well.

As Promised...

Update on Family

Well, I called Sophia and Erin today on my ride home. We talked about everything and I am going to give them another chance. Communication is a very hard problem for our family and it seems to get in the way of a lot of things. I will not confess that I completely fine now, but I guess after talking to them, and knowing what lays ahead with our family (update on that in a second) right now really isn't the best time to cut each other out of our lives. We are going to have dinner on Wednesday, not really to discuss what happened because I think that has been dealt with, but to try to actually get to know each other. We shall see how this transpires.

My mom's appointment today wasn't really productive except that they said she was going to need to have a biopsy. Which is what we knew several weeks ago. They are supposed to call tomorrow to schedule when it will happen, hopefully this week. Although my dad is still holding out that it could not be cancer, Sophia says that it definitely is. (She is a physicians assistant and talked with all of the doctors- who are her colleagues at Southwestern Medical).

On a brighter note I got more graduation money today... which makes me keep thinking that I should really by a camera lens :-) We shall see... I am almost positive though that that is what I will get. Pictures will be posted tomorrow from this weekend, but for now it is much to late for me to be awake. So I bid you goodnight.

ps I just watched Grey's Anatomy and The Office season finales... HOLY CRAP!

The beginning of the rest of my life

I am now officially a former student of Texas A&M University! WHOOP! It took five long but wonderful years to get here and I am rather proud of myself. I would have rather done it in four years, but due to certain circumstances I let it go on another year. But really that last year I think is what made my life what it will be in the next few years. By delaying my classes I was able to be part of a group of girls in my special ed program that I absolutely love and know that I will keep in contact with and go on trips to see. I was able to live with Lauren for an extra year. I was able to meet and be with Nick. All of the aspects that make my life what it is today is due to being in college for five years, so I really can't complain to much about it (and thank goodness my parents don't either).

My next steps...

Right now I am looking for a teaching position in special education in Dallas. I am not very specific with which type of job I want because I am hopefully going to grad school the next year for speech pathology. Let's cover some special ed stuff so you know what I am talking about :-) The types of jobs in special ed are several. There are resource placements (mostly working with students with learning disabilities or high-incidence disabilities). There are developmental/life skills (these students have more severe disabilities, they are either mentally very low or mentally and physically low). There are behavior positions (these are the students that hit a lot and have serious anger issues). There is PPCD, this is the one I would really like, which is like the life skills/developmental but it's for 3-5 year olds. I like that age group and I think it's something I could continue for several years if I did not get into grad school. Speech Pathology is working with communication and speech issues with students in special ed, speech is a category of special education. It's a really great career because you get more one on one time with students, you have your own lessons (districts don't usually have specific programs you have to use), and just a side bonus you get paid more haha. So the plan is to teach for a year and if I get into grad school I will do that for two years and then work. If I don't get in then keep teaching. Oh, another great thing about speech pathology is that I would not have to work with districts, it's something I could work with other programs. I could also work part or full time (this is of course for whenever I have kids). So really it has so many positives that I don't know why I wouldn't do it :-) Also, if I get into UTD, which is right down the road, I will live at home.

Family Issues--

As those that read my blog know, my mother has cancer again. This time it's lung cancer. She has four masses in her left lung and diaphragm at the moment. The largest one is 5 cm at the top of her left lung. This past Friday all of her new doctors had a meeting to decide if they are going to cut first or do chemo/radiation first. We will find out the answer at 2pm today. I, of course, am not a doctor or specialist but I am kind of hoping they do the chemo first because if they cut they will most likely have to take out her whole left lung and if they do chemo first they might be able to save part of it if it goes down. It's all a waiting game right now. I have volunteered to take my mom to her treatments this summer. I know it's going to be hard to handle emotionally, but I know I can do it and my mom deserves to have us take care of her because she's been taking care of us for so long. So by doing this I am not going to work at my Dad's office, because it's not going to just be taking her to treatments, it's going to be taking care of the house, the dogs, my dad, trying to feed her and what not. When she does the chemo it will be the most evasive kind that they have, which is the kind she had last time when she had sores that made her mouth and throat bleed and she could barely walk anywhere because she was so weak. So needless to say, I will be taking care of her.

On to the older sisters. I will never understand their thought processes. Ever. What has transpired over the past few weeks has made me give up on them. There is a lot of history there that would be to long and depressing to cover right now, but just know that there has been 23 years of trying to understand and have them appreciate me and I am tired of trying. One thing I have learned in my short life so far is that I need to learn which people I should put my efforts into. People that give back to you and show that they love and appreciate you are the ones you should keep around, and my older sisters are not those people. I have been doing some weeding out the past year, with not living near most of my friends it is definetly hard to keep up with everyone. This is when I really realized which people I need to keep my efforts with and others that kind of slip into my past. Not meaning that they were not important in that part of my life, but sometimes people are just there for portions of your life. Although I was very upset at first with my sisters (older not younger), I actually feel much better now. Even lighter, I know that I might have to see them often since they are family (but due to how they are treating everyone else in the family I don't know how much longer that will be or how often) but at least I have cut those strings that always tug and break my heart. I have released them from having to show or give me anything.

The grandparents are great. I mean they are getting old but they are grandparents. It really meant a lot to me to have them here this week and I hope they know that.. I am going to have to send some letters. :-)

This Summer..

This summer promises to be an exciting, challenging, memorable adventure. My mom and I plan on going to several museums in Dallas and festivals because I have lived there my whole life and never go to any of that stuff, and that's just silly. I have my new AWESOME camera...


which means that I am going to start learning how to use it and take some freaking awesome pictures. I am thinking about doing the Project 365 where you take a picture every day and post it on your blog, I got the wonderful idea from Lauren and Brent. It doesn't always have to be pictures of you, actually most of the time it isn't. It's a picture that summarizes your day. We shall see I am contemplating it. :-)

Harry Potter...

I am on the 7th book right now and it's freaking amazing. I can't believe it took me this long to read the books, they are amazing. Althought I will be sad when I finish because they will obviously be over. J.K. Rowling did an amazing job and I really hope she makes up another world soon because I love the ease of the books and how I can escape into the wizarding world so easily.

Few last notes....

I know this post was crazy long but a lot has been going on. I kept delaying posts because they were going to be extremely negative because I have been rather upset lately, which I know is understandable. But I will probably be keeping these posted more regularly (so they are not so long) because I found out people actual read my blog! haha very exciting :-)

Also wanted to say thank you to all of my friends and especially Nick for being there for me over these past few weeks and I know the months to come because I won't be able to get through them without yall. Love you!

Blah

Do you ever stop and wonder how you got to where you are? I'm not saying where I am is bad, I think it is rather good actually, but NO WHERE near where I thought I would be five, seven, even a year and a half ago. There are many things I wish I could change that I did, but then I always think that those things made me me, and even though I hate that I did them, I had to learn from them right? With everything that has happened in my life I have to believe that things happen for a reason. This has to be true or I don't think I would be able to make it through life. I know that some things are just so horribly bad that it is hard to see but God must have a reason. Sometimes I can't see them at all and those are times I make a mental note to ask Him at the pearly gates. I wonder why people say pearly gates, I say that, but I picture them being gold. Interesting.. I wonder if that is stated somewhere in the Bible.

On that note I am going to read Harry Potter and go to bed. The title of this post is how I am feeling this week. My spirits are low but I am trying to keep them high. I don't know exactly how to do that, but I am trying.

Cake Wreckers and Family Connections

This is a freakin awesome website for people who like to bake.. or just like to see what people will pay for. haha It's this website that a women has, she posts cakes that people buy that are completely horrible. But on Sundays she posts AMAZING cakes that sometimes don't even look like a cake.

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2009_04_01_archive.html

Another cake blog I found (actually on cake wreckers blog) is AMAZING. It's this sixteen year old girl and she makes cakes worthy of Ace of Cakes. I have a feeling she will be working on that show one day.

http://www.mmmeliacakes.blogspot.com/

Although these cakes are amazing, and I would love to have these skills, I am more of a sloppy cake that people look at and think, there is no way that is going to be good, and then they eat it and say holy crap that was like heaven in my mouth. :-)

It's rather interesting, because I have come to find out in college that I am actually very artsy (or like to do artsy things). It would make sense.. seeing as my entire family is full of them (on my dad's side). My grandparents were opera singers and pretty much everyone after my grandmother were artists (we have all of their paintings in our home). It's actually really nice to think about because I feel like it's a connection between myself and my ancestors. I wish I had their talents, it's amazing to look at their paintings. We shall see what is to come though, I have SEVERAL years to learn. :-) I still have photography and cooking lessons before painting though. Oh the things I want to do. Maybe that will be another post... things I want to do before I die.. a bucket list if you will. Hummm I shall work on that :-)

The craziness that is my life

My life is pretty crazy right now, but I absolutely love it. Yes, it's hard to find a job right now. But it's hard for everyone, which somehow makes me feel better. If it was just me out there that no one wanted to hire, I would be concerned, but seeing as it's a whole country thing going on I feel better.

I PASSED MY GENERALIST EC-4 CERTIFICATION!! I took it on Friday and passed with flying colors. I already have my special education certification, but because of No Child Left Behind (the education plan the wonderful W Bush did) teachers have to be highly qualified, and that somehow means that my special education certification is not enough to teach. Pretty lame if you ask me. But because of my degree I have enough classes for general ed and special ed certifications. (Which makes me think what the heck other classes did gen ed take?) I am really stoked about this.

I miss Harry Potter. I am at the beginning of the 4th book right now (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) and I haven't been able to read in the past two weeks because of studying for my certification test. BUT now I get to read some tonight and I am very excited to dive into the world of Ron, Harry, Hermione, and the rest of the gang.

For my Christmas ('08 Christmas), birthday, and graduation I am getting a Canon (http://www.usa.canon.com/consumer/controller?act=ModelInfoAct&fcategoryid=139&modelid=18385). I have been wanting one since high school so as you can see I am INSANELY excited about it. I am also going to buy a really nice lens to go with it, because the lens that comes with the cameras are their lowest quality. Once I get the camera and everything my little sister and I are going to have a photography session. I don't know if you know this but I have always wanted to be a photographer. I take decent pictures, but I want to take some classes or something to have amazing photos. There is just something special about capturing a moment in a photograph. Someone can look back at that one photo and hundreds of memories can flood their mind. I know I won't ever make this a career (because I know me and I have to have a stable income). But I would love to do this as a second job or something on the side. Soooooo if you want some free photos or just want to have some pictures of you or you and someone please let me know because I really want to get some practice in.

I don't know if other people think this way or just Amanda and I. (Amanda is my little sister) She sees movies in her mind. She can picture an entire movie, the details, the way she wants the camera shot, everything. This is why she wants to be a director. I see photos. When I drive anywhere I always find different areas that could be good for pictures. I love outdoor and city (like downtown Dallas or downtown of a small town) photos. There is this really cool field near my house that has some broken down farm equipment. I'm thinking Amanda and I will be going there.

I guess that's all. I am hoping to keep up with this now.

Job Hunt

This weekend many things are happening that all are very grown up. FIRST :-) I passed my PPR certification test!! Which means that the only thing standing in my way between becoming a teacher is passing student teaching! :-) Which is going really well! I have truly been blessed to have such a great cooperating teacher. We get along really well and if I get a job there (hopefully get a job there) I really think we could be friends. She is awesome and we have the same teaching style so it has really been a wonderful experience for me.

Secondly, I am getting a new car soon. Possibly tomorrow, we have to go to the dealership and test drive the car and if they have the one I want (the color and everything) then I might be able to drive off the lot. But the crazy thing is that it will be in my name. My dad is going to co-sign... but it's officially under my name. CRAZY.

Third, I am applying for a job to six different school districts this weekend. Which means I will be interviewing soon. I like this whole growing up thing, but it's really scary at the same time.

Other than that things are great. I am still sore from the wreck but I am not as tired anymore, my body is getting back to normal. (My muscles were so upset from the wreck I couldn't open a soda bottle.)

Nick and I are doing great. :-) It's a huge relief that long distance isn't as bad as I thought it would be. We are both so busy that it just means a lot when we are able to talk on the phone and see each other.

Overall I really haven't been this happy in my entire life. Everything is going great. Kind of scary to think it could all be messed up....

I really hope you are doing well... if anyone actually reads this haha.

Did that just happen?

Well I was in a car accident yesterday. And I am going to give you the play by play. I was driving to take my certification test when two minutes after I left my house a 73 year old women decides to take a left turn without seeing if someone was in her way. I didn't even see her. I didn't have time to hit the brakes, all of a sudden I saw the color of her car and then my car was going towards a house. I tried to break but in the hit I guess they were cut off or something. Then the car started rolling backwards and I thought a car was going to hit me from behind, but thank God no one was behind me. Suddenly my car stopped and I realized the air bags had deployed. It smelled like gas and there was smoke (which was actually the dust from the air bags but I didn't know that at the time). So I grabbed my purse and phone and ran out of the car because I thought it might catch on fire. It didn't catch on fire but there was gas and oil coming out the car. The other driver didn't get out of the car at first. The accident was right next to the country club so several people came running from it to check on us. The lady ended up being ok she was just in shock. We are almost positive the car is completely totaled. The whole front end is smashed in, all the way to the engine. The framing on the passenger side is messed up (you can't open the doors). After the fire truck, ambulance and cop left my Dad took me to the hospital just to make sure I was ok. So I was there for five hours. Needless to say that really stunk.

So if you want to look on the bright side of things I will be getting a new car. Which is what I kind of wanted so that I could have a car with better gas millage. Plus I won't be moving my stuff around all the time. I am looking into a Ford Focus or a Ford Fusion. Let me know which one you think I should get.

Man's Best Friend

It really is amazing the instincts that dogs have. They know when you are sad, when you are happy and when they need to stay out of your way. I think these are the times we remember the most about our dogs. With Cody (my family's dog I grew up with) I remember specific memories of when he comforted me. When I was younger and kids were making fun of me he would gently put his nose on my leg. When my mom was sick he never left her side. Not for one minute, we would have to drag him outside to go to the bathroom because he wanted to stay by her side because he knew she was in so much pain. I remember crying in my room because I didn't know how my mom's surgery would go and he was right there by my side. Now that I have Bear he does the same thing Cody did. I don't know what kind of gene it is that makes them do this. But it is another thing that I see in the world that makes me know that there is a God. Science could not think of that. Of giving a dog the capability of knowing when to stay by their owners side. Those are the little things in life that make me know God is here.

Update on my life

Well so much for keeping up to speed with my blog. These past few weeks has taught me a lot about what my life is going to be like the rest of my life. It's pretty scary. I mean great, but scary. I realized yesterday and today that I really made the right choice when it came to my teaching position. I LOVE teaching reading resource in high school. I know I make jokes about some of the students attitudes, but in the end, the majority of the students make me happy to get up every day and until that changes, this will be the job for me. The paper work is insane. They tell you how much there is, and you get an idea, but until you are actually doing it, and seeing how much you really have to do, it's just unfathomable to believe how much there is. So, on the student teaching front, I love it. It's hard, and I'm tired, but it feels good to know I am in the right direction.

I just finished the second book of the Twilight series. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little obsessed. For those of you that have read the books, continue reading, if not, go to the next section. :-) I have not decided if I like Edward or Jacob more. There are good things for both, but I can think of bad things for Edward and not for Jacob. But the main thing is that I am not liking how the author portrays Bella. To know that adolescent girls (especially thinking about my students) are reading these books, it makes me a little upset with the author. In the first book she mentions several times that Bella gets upset and she decides not to eat. This is not good to tell adolescent girls, especially when Bella complains about weighing to much (when in the book she says she weighs one hundred and ten pounds) and that she feels uncomfortable when a vampire or werewolf picks her up because she thinks she weighs to much. I just wish that authors thought more about what they were writing and tried to plug in positive messages in their books to help adolescents. I understand she is trying to have the readers relate to Bella, but you can do it in other weighs then talking about her weight (and she does do a great job of that with her interactions with the "males" in the books). Overall I really like the books and I am very eager to begin the third.

Well it's been almost a week since I saw Nick. Which sucks, but this whole teaching all day and then reading until I go to bed helps haha. It's hard but if we can do this, we can do anything. :-)

The song "Just Dance" for some reason makes me ache for College Station. I reminds me of all my girls night dancing with my friends and just enjoying each others company. I miss them, and everyone else I hold dear in College Station. I feel like part of my heart is there, with Nick, with my friends, and with the care free life I had. I know it will only be a matter of time when I will feel whole here, it will just take some time. It helps a lot that my dad and I are getting along really well. After our HUGE talk about pretty much everything that has happened my entire life things have been wonderful. I can tell he is really trying to make an effort with me. It feels amazing. To know that he really cares that much, I've always known he did, but to see him trying means a lot.

Well I think I have written enough into the nothingness that is my blog. If you are reading, thanks for taking the time to care enough to read about my silly life. :-) It means a lot.

The beginning of sweet release

Howdy! Well I have decided to start a blog, it's mostly for me to be able to put my thoughts down so that they are not just floating around in my head. I have just started a new chapter in my life that includes moving back home to begin teaching. I started my first day today, and it was amazing. I really like my teacher and my students. I feel that I will be learning a lot from them and about myself through this experience. Hopefully it teaches me to be a better person and a better teacher.