Girl Power

Lara and Lauren came in town this weekend and it definetly helped my spirits. It was great to get out of the house and just get my mind off of everything going on. We went thrift store shopping near Mockingbird Station and Greenville Ave. We ate dinner at Snuffer's and then had the BEST FREAKIN' CUPCAKES I HAVE EVER HAD!!! www.societybakery.com I suggest you have one in your life because they are amazing! We then ventured to the Paramore and No Doubt concert where silliness ensued. I had a really great time. Although we are still in limbo right now with figuring out treatments, my mom is actually doing really well. Thank you girls for keeping my mind off things. I love yall very much :-)

Other exciting news: Nick and I's one year anniversary is on Thursday! I am going to CS that day to have a wonderful date with my love and then this weekend we are going to Austin with Jet and all of the other boys to float the river and have some adventures I am sure. I feel extremely blessed to have Nick in my life. :-)

Some pics of the bands:

The Worst Is Not Yet To Come

We got the results back from the biopsy today. The doctors were wrong. She does not have lung cancer. The cancer she has is pancreatic, which is what she had before. And when Sophia told me this I knew what it meant. Because they told me before. If it was pancreatic, there was no cure. There is no cure for recurring pancreatic cancer because that means that it was to aggressive. They are going to meet with the chemo doc either tomorrow or Mon (I know that is not the exact term for the doc but that's the best one I can think of). We will find out then what they think. Chemo is always a choice, but here it is really being used to extend her life as long as possible. That is always what it is used for, but there is no chance for a cure. It's in her left lung, diaphragm, and lymph nodes. And when it's in the lymph nodes that means it is spreading, and this stuff spreads fast. It wasn't even on her screening in Dec (the one she had to get every six months to make sure it didn't come back).

I keep pushing it back. I know I need to deal with it. But how am I supposed to when I need to be strong for others? I just keep thinking about my distant wedding day. My wedding day that I will not get to share with my mom. I had this awesome idea that instead of throwing the bouquet I was going to present it to my mom as a gesture saying how much I love her and how much she has meant to me in my life and brought me to that place. I still think I will do it. It will be placed next to a picture of her to show her that she is still with me. I know this probably sounds morbid, but I don't know that's just where I am right now. I also keep thinking about when I have kids. My kids are never going to know their Grandma. I will never be able to take pictures with my kids and my mom.

I apologize this blog is so depressing. I was planning on attempting some really positive ones so that I don't sound like some emo kid. But alas, this news makes for another depressing post.

I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, as the above title says... I HAVE A FREAKIN' JOB!!!!!! Omg it feels so amazing to know what I will be doing in August. So here's the down low. ;-) I am going to be a behavior teacher at Yale Elementary in Richardson ISD. Which, by the way, is literally 5 minutes from my house. So yay on saving money on gas (which I can use to get myself to CS to see my man!)! There are two positions, one for K-3 and one for 4-6. The principal said he can not promise me my preference (which is K-3) but either way I will like the job. When I was in the interview it just felt right. I really liked the people who interviewed me. There was the principal, the instructional specialist, a 5th grade teacher and the counselor. Other than the 5th grade teacher (although I might work with her a lot too) I will be working with those people A LOT and I got a really good feeling about them. With behavior I have students that will be at ALL ranges of the spectrum. Some students are in behavior because they can not function in the general ed setting but are just as intelligent, with of course the possibility of being smarter, as their general ed students but because of their behaviors they can not be put in the classroom. I will also have students with behavior and learning disabilities, most students with autism would be put in my class as well. The principal said that I would most likely have 4-6 students, but you never know. The law permits 10 special ed students in a class, but trust me 4-6 in behavior is full enough! :-) I will definetly be doing research this summer about different behavior strategies and how to set up my classroom. I am REALLY excited. I think that I will be able to do a great job with these students.

A funny side note is that I still have two interviews this week! I am going to go to the one tomorrow morning because that was the school that I really liked, and you never know if they offer me a position we will see. I have not signed my papers yet because it all has to go through HR. Although it would be really rude of me and I have a great feeling about the school I said yes to, but it never hurts to go on an interview.

ALSOOOOOOOOO an hour after I said yes to the Yale job I got a call from another principal that I interviewed with that wanted me as well! It was the English resource high school job in Mesquite. I would have taken that job as well but I did prefer the Yale job. But the principal was really nice and told me that if anything falls through to please give him a call because they really wanted me at the school. :-) So that helped the confidence a lot. :-)

Other upsetting things happened today, but for now I just want to have a positive, happy post. And that is what I'm going to focus on. (It's not news about the biopsy, they are now saying that we might have to wait until the end of the week for the results.)

Until another day :-)

The Waiting Game

Thursday was a long day. My mom did a very good job, she was scared (which of course who wouldn't be) but the medicine they gave her helped a lot. They did a biopsy on the lining of her lung, if this part is cancerous (which they think is) that would be one of the worst cases because it is not contained to her left lung. Right now it's not looking great because the mass is close to her aorta, which means they can't surgically take it out. This means that the plan is to do chemo to try to shrink it first and then we would have to wait and see if they would be able to operate. But as of right now... it is inoperable. Yep, that's right... inoperable. So we are hoping that the biopsy comes back negative so that it is at least contained to the left lung, but as history dictates itself... I am not very optimistic. Anyways.. that is my update on that situation. We should know the results early next week.

HARRY POTTER!!!! (don't worry there are not any spoilers)

I finished the last book of Harry Potter and holy crap it was amazing. I have several other books that I have bought and intended to read, but I really want to read books 5-7 again. Seeing as how I have time right now I might just do that. :-) The writing of J.K. Rowling is just astonishing. She did such a wonderful job of tying in everything in the last book. And made you feel things for characters you thought you felt one way for. I am VERY much looking forward to the movie in July.

Job update:

I have two interviews this coming week. One in Garland for a PPCD position and one in Plano for a special ed position (they did not specify). No news from the other interviews, but they all said it would be a few weeks before they would decide. So we shall see :-)

My emotions right now: (you don't have to read this next section, it's a lot of rambling that I just needed to get off my chest, and it's easier to write into nothing than have to put it on someone.)

I feel like there is something wrong with me. When Sophia told me that the doctors have pretty much said it's inoperable.. and we are looking at the most a few years if mom does the chemo and if the chemo does not take her.. and I did not waver. I just listened. It's an odd feeling, everything that has happened so far I just feel like I already knew it was coming. When my mom got sick last time, it took all of myself to be strong for my family, to be the one they relied on. I did everything in the house, I did the cooking, the cleaning, I took care of mom when she was sick, I made sure Amanda had everything for school. I took care of Dad when he didn't know what to do. And now it's back. All of it. It's like God was waiting until I got home for this to happen. I find it odd that only after three months of me being home is when she got sick again. (She hasn't been feeling well since March.) And the last time I lived at home was when she was sick. It's like coming home to what I left. When she was sick I kept telling myself that this was God just giving a warning that she needed to stop smoking and drinking. That is what got me through it. It was a lesson. That's how I get through the rough spots in life, I tell myself they happen for a reason and it helps me to become a better person. But after she went into remission, the drinking and smoking continued. Is this anger from God? Is He mad she did not listen? Or was this just random? I really don't think I can believe this is random. How can I? If there is a God, and now matter how pissed off I am at Him, I still can not find it in myself to deny Him. I know He is there but I don't know how to love him or even like him right now. I know there are many happy parts to my life, and I cling to those, but I still feel like I have been brought a lot of crap in my life. I have always believed that I was given these things because they will help me teach children. When I was working with Chrysalis (a three day walk of faith you could say with teenage girls) I felt like everything I had been through had a purpose because I was able to help many girls come to God by showing them what I have been through. But I don't get this. What was the point of keeping her alive for another 6 years to kill her later? Is that just life? I know we all have to die. I know that. It's just not fair. Which I know sounds childish, but I can't bare to think of all of the things I will want my mom to be there for me, and if this is going the way it sounds like it will be, she won't be there. She won't be there for my wedding, my first child, my first fight with my husband when I need to talk with her. I love Erin and Sophia and we are working through many things right now, but I can't help feel a little upset that they were able to have mom there on some of those occasions and did not use or appreciate her they way I would have. I still have yet to cry fully over the situation. I don't know if that's because I haven't truly let it in or because I don't want to really let it in. I am doing what I always do, take care of everyone around me and then worry about me later. I just don't know how to do this again. How do I (or anyone in the family) go through this when we know what is ahead? We know about the appointments, and how much she will be in pain, and all of the hospital visits.

Please keep the prayers coming.

Quick Update

Dinner tonight went REALLY well with the sisters. I really felt like we connected and were more than just sisters but friends. It was an amazing feeling let me tell you.

I will be at the hospital tomorrow (Thursday) for my mom's biopsy. Prayers are needed. It's not looking well.

As Promised...

Update on Family

Well, I called Sophia and Erin today on my ride home. We talked about everything and I am going to give them another chance. Communication is a very hard problem for our family and it seems to get in the way of a lot of things. I will not confess that I completely fine now, but I guess after talking to them, and knowing what lays ahead with our family (update on that in a second) right now really isn't the best time to cut each other out of our lives. We are going to have dinner on Wednesday, not really to discuss what happened because I think that has been dealt with, but to try to actually get to know each other. We shall see how this transpires.

My mom's appointment today wasn't really productive except that they said she was going to need to have a biopsy. Which is what we knew several weeks ago. They are supposed to call tomorrow to schedule when it will happen, hopefully this week. Although my dad is still holding out that it could not be cancer, Sophia says that it definitely is. (She is a physicians assistant and talked with all of the doctors- who are her colleagues at Southwestern Medical).

On a brighter note I got more graduation money today... which makes me keep thinking that I should really by a camera lens :-) We shall see... I am almost positive though that that is what I will get. Pictures will be posted tomorrow from this weekend, but for now it is much to late for me to be awake. So I bid you goodnight.

ps I just watched Grey's Anatomy and The Office season finales... HOLY CRAP!

The beginning of the rest of my life

I am now officially a former student of Texas A&M University! WHOOP! It took five long but wonderful years to get here and I am rather proud of myself. I would have rather done it in four years, but due to certain circumstances I let it go on another year. But really that last year I think is what made my life what it will be in the next few years. By delaying my classes I was able to be part of a group of girls in my special ed program that I absolutely love and know that I will keep in contact with and go on trips to see. I was able to live with Lauren for an extra year. I was able to meet and be with Nick. All of the aspects that make my life what it is today is due to being in college for five years, so I really can't complain to much about it (and thank goodness my parents don't either).

My next steps...

Right now I am looking for a teaching position in special education in Dallas. I am not very specific with which type of job I want because I am hopefully going to grad school the next year for speech pathology. Let's cover some special ed stuff so you know what I am talking about :-) The types of jobs in special ed are several. There are resource placements (mostly working with students with learning disabilities or high-incidence disabilities). There are developmental/life skills (these students have more severe disabilities, they are either mentally very low or mentally and physically low). There are behavior positions (these are the students that hit a lot and have serious anger issues). There is PPCD, this is the one I would really like, which is like the life skills/developmental but it's for 3-5 year olds. I like that age group and I think it's something I could continue for several years if I did not get into grad school. Speech Pathology is working with communication and speech issues with students in special ed, speech is a category of special education. It's a really great career because you get more one on one time with students, you have your own lessons (districts don't usually have specific programs you have to use), and just a side bonus you get paid more haha. So the plan is to teach for a year and if I get into grad school I will do that for two years and then work. If I don't get in then keep teaching. Oh, another great thing about speech pathology is that I would not have to work with districts, it's something I could work with other programs. I could also work part or full time (this is of course for whenever I have kids). So really it has so many positives that I don't know why I wouldn't do it :-) Also, if I get into UTD, which is right down the road, I will live at home.

Family Issues--

As those that read my blog know, my mother has cancer again. This time it's lung cancer. She has four masses in her left lung and diaphragm at the moment. The largest one is 5 cm at the top of her left lung. This past Friday all of her new doctors had a meeting to decide if they are going to cut first or do chemo/radiation first. We will find out the answer at 2pm today. I, of course, am not a doctor or specialist but I am kind of hoping they do the chemo first because if they cut they will most likely have to take out her whole left lung and if they do chemo first they might be able to save part of it if it goes down. It's all a waiting game right now. I have volunteered to take my mom to her treatments this summer. I know it's going to be hard to handle emotionally, but I know I can do it and my mom deserves to have us take care of her because she's been taking care of us for so long. So by doing this I am not going to work at my Dad's office, because it's not going to just be taking her to treatments, it's going to be taking care of the house, the dogs, my dad, trying to feed her and what not. When she does the chemo it will be the most evasive kind that they have, which is the kind she had last time when she had sores that made her mouth and throat bleed and she could barely walk anywhere because she was so weak. So needless to say, I will be taking care of her.

On to the older sisters. I will never understand their thought processes. Ever. What has transpired over the past few weeks has made me give up on them. There is a lot of history there that would be to long and depressing to cover right now, but just know that there has been 23 years of trying to understand and have them appreciate me and I am tired of trying. One thing I have learned in my short life so far is that I need to learn which people I should put my efforts into. People that give back to you and show that they love and appreciate you are the ones you should keep around, and my older sisters are not those people. I have been doing some weeding out the past year, with not living near most of my friends it is definetly hard to keep up with everyone. This is when I really realized which people I need to keep my efforts with and others that kind of slip into my past. Not meaning that they were not important in that part of my life, but sometimes people are just there for portions of your life. Although I was very upset at first with my sisters (older not younger), I actually feel much better now. Even lighter, I know that I might have to see them often since they are family (but due to how they are treating everyone else in the family I don't know how much longer that will be or how often) but at least I have cut those strings that always tug and break my heart. I have released them from having to show or give me anything.

The grandparents are great. I mean they are getting old but they are grandparents. It really meant a lot to me to have them here this week and I hope they know that.. I am going to have to send some letters. :-)

This Summer..

This summer promises to be an exciting, challenging, memorable adventure. My mom and I plan on going to several museums in Dallas and festivals because I have lived there my whole life and never go to any of that stuff, and that's just silly. I have my new AWESOME camera...


which means that I am going to start learning how to use it and take some freaking awesome pictures. I am thinking about doing the Project 365 where you take a picture every day and post it on your blog, I got the wonderful idea from Lauren and Brent. It doesn't always have to be pictures of you, actually most of the time it isn't. It's a picture that summarizes your day. We shall see I am contemplating it. :-)

Harry Potter...

I am on the 7th book right now and it's freaking amazing. I can't believe it took me this long to read the books, they are amazing. Althought I will be sad when I finish because they will obviously be over. J.K. Rowling did an amazing job and I really hope she makes up another world soon because I love the ease of the books and how I can escape into the wizarding world so easily.

Few last notes....

I know this post was crazy long but a lot has been going on. I kept delaying posts because they were going to be extremely negative because I have been rather upset lately, which I know is understandable. But I will probably be keeping these posted more regularly (so they are not so long) because I found out people actual read my blog! haha very exciting :-)

Also wanted to say thank you to all of my friends and especially Nick for being there for me over these past few weeks and I know the months to come because I won't be able to get through them without yall. Love you!