We got the results back from the biopsy today. The doctors were wrong. She does not have lung cancer. The cancer she has is pancreatic, which is what she had before. And when Sophia told me this I knew what it meant. Because they told me before. If it was pancreatic, there was no cure. There is no cure for recurring pancreatic cancer because that means that it was to aggressive. They are going to meet with the chemo doc either tomorrow or Mon (I know that is not the exact term for the doc but that's the best one I can think of). We will find out then what they think. Chemo is always a choice, but here it is really being used to extend her life as long as possible. That is always what it is used for, but there is no chance for a cure. It's in her left lung, diaphragm, and lymph nodes. And when it's in the lymph nodes that means it is spreading, and this stuff spreads fast. It wasn't even on her screening in Dec (the one she had to get every six months to make sure it didn't come back).
I keep pushing it back. I know I need to deal with it. But how am I supposed to when I need to be strong for others? I just keep thinking about my distant wedding day. My wedding day that I will not get to share with my mom. I had this awesome idea that instead of throwing the bouquet I was going to present it to my mom as a gesture saying how much I love her and how much she has meant to me in my life and brought me to that place. I still think I will do it. It will be placed next to a picture of her to show her that she is still with me. I know this probably sounds morbid, but I don't know that's just where I am right now. I also keep thinking about when I have kids. My kids are never going to know their Grandma. I will never be able to take pictures with my kids and my mom.
I apologize this blog is so depressing. I was planning on attempting some really positive ones so that I don't sound like some emo kid. But alas, this news makes for another depressing post.
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