Thursday was a long day. My mom did a very good job, she was scared (which of course who wouldn't be) but the medicine they gave her helped a lot. They did a biopsy on the lining of her lung, if this part is cancerous (which they think is) that would be one of the worst cases because it is not contained to her left lung. Right now it's not looking great because the mass is close to her aorta, which means they can't surgically take it out. This means that the plan is to do chemo to try to shrink it first and then we would have to wait and see if they would be able to operate. But as of right now... it is inoperable. Yep, that's right... inoperable. So we are hoping that the biopsy comes back negative so that it is at least contained to the left lung, but as history dictates itself... I am not very optimistic. Anyways.. that is my update on that situation. We should know the results early next week.
HARRY POTTER!!!! (don't worry there are not any spoilers)
I finished the last book of Harry Potter and holy crap it was amazing. I have several other books that I have bought and intended to read, but I really want to read books 5-7 again. Seeing as how I have time right now I might just do that. :-) The writing of J.K. Rowling is just astonishing. She did such a wonderful job of tying in everything in the last book. And made you feel things for characters you thought you felt one way for. I am VERY much looking forward to the movie in July.
Job update:
I have two interviews this coming week. One in Garland for a PPCD position and one in Plano for a special ed position (they did not specify). No news from the other interviews, but they all said it would be a few weeks before they would decide. So we shall see :-)
My emotions right now: (you don't have to read this next section, it's a lot of rambling that I just needed to get off my chest, and it's easier to write into nothing than have to put it on someone.)
I feel like there is something wrong with me. When Sophia told me that the doctors have pretty much said it's inoperable.. and we are looking at the most a few years if mom does the chemo and if the chemo does not take her.. and I did not waver. I just listened. It's an odd feeling, everything that has happened so far I just feel like I already knew it was coming. When my mom got sick last time, it took all of myself to be strong for my family, to be the one they relied on. I did everything in the house, I did the cooking, the cleaning, I took care of mom when she was sick, I made sure Amanda had everything for school. I took care of Dad when he didn't know what to do. And now it's back. All of it. It's like God was waiting until I got home for this to happen. I find it odd that only after three months of me being home is when she got sick again. (She hasn't been feeling well since March.) And the last time I lived at home was when she was sick. It's like coming home to what I left. When she was sick I kept telling myself that this was God just giving a warning that she needed to stop smoking and drinking. That is what got me through it. It was a lesson. That's how I get through the rough spots in life, I tell myself they happen for a reason and it helps me to become a better person. But after she went into remission, the drinking and smoking continued. Is this anger from God? Is He mad she did not listen? Or was this just random? I really don't think I can believe this is random. How can I? If there is a God, and now matter how pissed off I am at Him, I still can not find it in myself to deny Him. I know He is there but I don't know how to love him or even like him right now. I know there are many happy parts to my life, and I cling to those, but I still feel like I have been brought a lot of crap in my life. I have always believed that I was given these things because they will help me teach children. When I was working with Chrysalis (a three day walk of faith you could say with teenage girls) I felt like everything I had been through had a purpose because I was able to help many girls come to God by showing them what I have been through. But I don't get this. What was the point of keeping her alive for another 6 years to kill her later? Is that just life? I know we all have to die. I know that. It's just not fair. Which I know sounds childish, but I can't bare to think of all of the things I will want my mom to be there for me, and if this is going the way it sounds like it will be, she won't be there. She won't be there for my wedding, my first child, my first fight with my husband when I need to talk with her. I love Erin and Sophia and we are working through many things right now, but I can't help feel a little upset that they were able to have mom there on some of those occasions and did not use or appreciate her they way I would have. I still have yet to cry fully over the situation. I don't know if that's because I haven't truly let it in or because I don't want to really let it in. I am doing what I always do, take care of everyone around me and then worry about me later. I just don't know how to do this again. How do I (or anyone in the family) go through this when we know what is ahead? We know about the appointments, and how much she will be in pain, and all of the hospital visits.
Please keep the prayers coming.
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