Inspiration

Well, I am sitting up trying to find the words for what to say for my mom's memorial service. I am terrified of talking in front of people but I feel that she deserves to have someone stand up for her. I can hear her saying, "Now Jennifer, you don't have to do that for me." But her face would be showing how proud she is. That was my mom, never wanting to put herself first but never being able to hide how she really felt. I loved that about my mom, and honestly I think I have that a little. Where if you really know her, you know exactly what she is thinking by the expression on her face. I knew when Dad was in trouble, I knew when she was proud, I knew when she was so happy that she couldn't find the words so she would just smile. When growing up I never understood why girls would get mad at their mom's because I got along so well with mine. I always wanted her around, at school dances, when my friends would come hang out, going to the movies, anything. I think what was so great is that she didn't try so hard, she wasn't one of those mom's that tried to act like she was our age, it was very obvious that she was the adult (you will address an adult as Mrs. or Mr.). But she made it to where I wanted her around and didn't mind. I wish I had asked her the secret to that, how did she do it? Or was that just our relationship? I always say that she was my best friend and it's true. Whenever anything serious or silly happened she was always the one I wanted to call. She knew what was best but would let me make my own decisions, she let me learn right from wrong and to take the consequences that went with them. She had the kindest heart. In elementary school she was in charge of the clothes closet. This was where people would either donate their clothes or at the end of the year she would take the lost and found and they would give the clothes to kids in need. I remember all the time she would spend making sure it was organized and would talk about how much we had (and at that time it wasn't a lot) compared to others and that we should always be thankful for what we have. She donated everything. If it was not completely broken it was being donated. She didn't understand garage sales. She said she did one once and understood like estate sales for furniture and what not, but for clothes or toys or books she said she didn't want the $1 you get for them, she wanted to give them to someone who would truly want it. That's why she always did the salvation army because they completely give the clothes to people in need for free (the other places sell the items). She always made time for herself. That was something she instilled in me for when I'm a mom that you always have to make time for yourself or you can't be the mom, wife, daughter, etc. that you want to be. Every other week she got her nails done (when she died they had just been done in this bright red that she wore so well). She wouldn't give it up because that was something that made her feel pretty. She bent over backwards for her family but still made time for herself which I thought was amazing. She always knew how to talk to me in a way that didn't upset me. Like if I was raging mad at one of my sisters, she would let me yell (I'm sure with the phone 5 feet away from her ear) and then once I was done she would talk to me. Let me know when I was right and let me know when I needed to maybe (cough cough) put myself in their position and see how they are feeling. She always believed in me. I am rather hard on myself a lot (which honestly I don't know where it came from because my parents have both been very supportive and told me I could do anything and I was great at stuff) and she would always lift me up. Some of my "friends" in elementary school always tried to make me feel stupid or would make fun of my ears and she was right there to pull me out of it. She would show me things I knew and told me my ears gave me character (until I got surgery haha). It's interesting to see all of the reasons why I love my mom because a lot of them are the same things I love in Steven. I truly think, as I have since very soon after I met Steven, that God put him in my life right at that time so that I would have someone to fill that important spot in my life. Everyone needs a rock. Everyone needs someone to be by their side no matter what, tell you can do whatever you want to do, and love you unconditionally. That was my mom. And now that is my husband. I just finished the slideshow for the memorial service (with Steven's help) and what I was emotional about the most were the pictures before she got sick. Especially the ones with her and dad. She battled with pancreatic cancer for 8 years. Through college she was in remission but it was always there with check ups and tests. It's hard to think back 8 years (before I was a junior in high school) and remember her strength and happiness. Strength in this sense meaning that she wasn't sick, she was completely healthy, and happiness in that there wasn't any worry about the future. I had forgotten. I had forgotten before the pain, the hard phone calls, the doctor visits, the will she die before Thanksgiving? will she make it to my wedding? will she ever see my kids? I forgot that time. It was such a long time ago. But through those 8 years I really feel like that is what defined her character, that is what we will truly remember her for. She battled PANCREATIC cancer for 8 years. That is just unheard of. The first time she got sick she had a 4% chance to live. The second time she had a 1% chance to live past Thanksgiving and she made it two years. That was my mom, a fighter, a survivor, the strongest woman I know. Pancreatic cancer was also one of the most painful cancers to have. She let the pain show at home, but if she was out in public or at an event no one thought she was sick, she never showed it. On my wedding day she was in a lot of pain, she wouldn't tell me but as I said before, I can read her face. But no matter how much pain she was in, she stood up and danced with me at my wedding. Mom and I danced all the time. Whenever we watched one of the CSI shows we would always dance to the beginning song (especially the Miami one). Sometimes we would just crank the music in the house and jam out. That's why the dance was so important to me, it is a very distinct happy memory I have of her before she got sick. While we were dancing she put on a huge smile turned to my dad and said, "Sweetheart, I can't breathe, I need to sit down." Now remember the whole time she is smiling, so no one ever knew. The love and strength she had was absolutely amazing to me. I hope I have a little of that in me. I love you mom.