Well, with it being my birthday and all I feel I should write a post reflecting on the past years events. Although a lot has not gone well or according to plan I will try to put a positive spin on things. A few weeks (2 or 3) after my birthday is when we found out my mom's cancer was back. A week after that I graduated from college. Two months after that I started my first real job. A lot of transition and life events happening. I look back on those months and they are really just a blur. I think I was just trying to make it day to day. Get by in the best way I could.
I have paused and I'm really trying to think of a way to not have this be a completely depressing post, and I don't really know how to spin it. The only thing I can think of is that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I knew I was strong, very strong, because of everything else I have gone through in my life. But I really didn't think I would make it this year. There were several times I thought about just quiting my job and giving up on teaching. But I didn't, I stuck through it. I stuck through the concussion, the two months of restraining from 8-3, being put on administrative leave for things I didn't do, and working with the person who tried to get me fired. I did it. I made it. I even think I did it pretty well. There were awful days. A lot of days I would just come home crying and go to sleep because I just didn't want to think about having to do it all again the next day. But now looking back I can't believe I made it. I really made it. And I still want to teach, I still love kids, and I still want to make a difference, and I know that I can.
God. This has been a difficult subject for me the past year. And I think I am finally ready to talk about Him. He has royally pissed me off this year. I feel like I have always been a good servant, have tried to be the example of Christ He wants me to be. I always ask Him what he wants of me and I try to follow through with what I think He wants. Here is the problem. I prayed a lot about which job I should take this year. And I really felt at peace with that He wanted me to work at the school I am at. So this brings up two things. Either this is where He wanted me to be and for some reason wanted me to go through the hell I have gone through this year. Or that is not what He was saying and I don't know how to listen to Him. I have never stopped believing He is there. And I am sure He has been watching me this whole time struggling and wanting to help. But I just don't get it. Because if He wanted me to go through this year my big question is WHY? I have been through enough events to say that I am strong, I can make it through anything. Was this another story that I can tell people to strengthen their relationship with God because it will (I am no where near having it strong right now but I'm sure eventually it will get there- just don't the path right now to get to that place) strengthen mine. Or was I just not listening correctly? Which makes me think was I really listening or just making up stuff? I know He is there, I can't see the beauty in the world and the stars in the sky and the love in people's hearts to see that something larger than science has made all of this. I'm just so angry with what has happened and why it has happened. And I don't know if I will ever get an answer. I just don't know why so many people have to suffer in this world. To be honest I would rather have pure bliss and no free will then to have all of the pain I have had. That has been weighing on me for a while so thank you blog space for letting me get it out there. There is no real answer or specific response that I want. Just kind of putting it out there and hoping for an answer at some point in my life.
Another topic from this year is friends. I could not have made it this year without them by my side. With every catastrophic event always brings the realization of how matters the most to you and who you matter the most to. I am very happy to say that this go around and I have realized that all of the friends I have are the ones I thought they were. :-)I really can't express how much it has meant to me, and I know I just said this but I REALLY could NOT have made it without you. And if you are reading this blog than you are definitely one of those people. :-) Love you guys.
The only conclusion I can come to from the year of being 23 is that I am a beast. ;-) I have amazing friends and family. And that next year can only get better. :-)
It's crazy to think how about how truly awful your year was and then remember how upbeat and positive you were every time I saw you. Seriously, I envy and respect you for having such a good attitude. My year was in no way as tough as yours and yet there were many times when you still seemed far more chipper than I could have imagined being. You are beast! Applause for making it through and cheers to a new year!
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