Gone with the Wind

So I watched Gone with the Wind again the last few days (due to the super long length of the movie) and got a completely different perspective. In high school (side note: I watched the movie in high school on VHS because my Grandma just wouldn't stop until I watched the movie haha) I hated the movie. I thought what kind of movie goes on for that long and doesn't have a happy ending? If they were made for each other why didn't they work through their problems. Well, SEVERAL years later I watch the movie again and my eyes are open to see what I feel the movie was about. You have this chick, Scarlett who is the rudest, most selfish GIRL whom does not care at all about honor and chivalry who gets what is coming to her. She treats everyone around her horribly and in the end she is alone. Due to recent events I love this ending. I am rather, well, pissed off at God right now for what has been happening in my life. I am a good person, I work hard, I try to always do the right thing, I'm a good friend, daughter and now wife and yet horrible crap keeps happening. It's like when we were going through the cancer treatments and every time something good happened right around the corner something bad. Not just with cancer, that just seemed like my last two years have been. Don't get me wrong I completely understand that I have had amazing things happen. I found and married my soul mate, my mom was able to live until my wedding, I found a school that I absolutely love and love the staff and students even more. I have started figuring out how I want the rest of my life to look. I know all of those things and I remind myself of them all the time (cue in "Favorite Things" from the Sound of Music). It's just hard when the other parts, the hard parts just seem to weigh me down more. The point is, it was nice to see in the movie how good things happened to good people and bad things happened to bad people (yes I know not for all characters just go with me on this). It was very black and white to me in Scarlett's case and sometimes it's just nice to see things that clearly. Would be wonderful if life was that way, but then again we wouldn't see the blues, greens, purples, yellows and anything else bright and happy. You have to have the darkness to appreciate the brightness right?

Sorry for the anger in this post... I didn't realize that was all going to come out. Thanks for reading folks.

Moving On

It's time to stop having a pity party and get on with some stuff that I have been wanting to do. One thing is to work through The Cake Doctor's cookbook. I am actually really excited about that because I haven't baked anything since we moved in May, which is just unheard of from me. So get ready for some pictures soon (hopefully).

Working out. I have a new rule. I have to work out three times a week. If I work out more than that, that's great but I can not work out fewer. I choose three because that's what all the doctor people say. I actually started that last week and I'm on my way this week with two so far. So I'm pretty proud of myself. I have been doing weights, and really working hard at it and then 30 minutes on the step climber thinger. Once Steven starts classes at UTD I am going to start taking classes at 24 Hour while he's at class! I'm pretty excited about that because I've never taken a class before.

Eating at home. Eating right just kind of goes with that but this summer I have been at my dad's house so much that we have only cooked at our apartment (other than grilling with friends) a handful of times. This is going to save us a TON of money, not only in food but also gas of us going to the restaurant! :-)

Walking the dogs more once the weather isn't so stinkin' hot. I used to do this all the time but this summer has been so hot and it's been so crazy I haven't been able to, which has been ok with them since they got to play over at Dad's so much but now that work is starting up so they will definitely need a nice walk but I like having that quiet time.

Being crafty! I have been crafty lately for Rachel's shower (post about that at the end of Nov. after the shower) and it really makes me want to scrapbook and DIY everything in the world! I have everything for the scrapbooks I just need time haha but I think I am going to do the bridals and rock the frock first because those aren't really thinking scrapbooks just putting cute stuff together.

Side note about being crafty: http://pinterest.com is the best freakin website ever! You pin pictures to boards and it also keeps the link so if you find something online you like (or want to make) you can put it on one of your boards and keep it forever! I absolutely love it! Plus for photography stuff it's nice to keep pictures on there to have as references and you can keep them on the go.

Another side note: I've decided I'm not going to be a professional photographer. I have just gone over what a photographers life will be like and that isn't the picture I have in mind for our future. They work on the weekends, for pretty much the whole weekend, and of course Steven and the kids will have their time off on the weekends. And I don't want to miss anything, my mom was there for EVERYTHING and that meant so much to me and I want to do that for my kids. Sooo my new plan is to work until we have kids (hopefully start trying around 28 or so) and then stay home. Maybe be a craft blogger or something. I still want to learn more about my camera and be able to take great pictures of the family and friends, like I would still love to take pictures of people, they just won't ever be as good as a professional.

Learn how to sew. Steven's Granny is an amazing seamstress and she said she'll teach me. I am hoping to learn how to make quilts as well as little kid clothes and little stuff that would be super cute.

Does anyone have any ideas about how I could make money while I stay home? I am crafty so I could do like banners and stuff on etsy, but I don't really know if the amount of money you have to ask for those is worth the hassle of doing it.

Well that was a very long blog about things that aren't really worth reading haha. But that is what I am working on right now and hopefully I will start feeling better with getting my life back. :-)

Woman's Best Friend

Hello! Well, I had planned on posting this at the beginning of July but time flies.

During the first few weeks after mom died everyone was amazing and tried to say everything they could think of that would comfort me, would hug me when I wanted one (and some when I didn't haha) and would offer to just be with me. I want to say I appreciate all of it and I seriously can not express how much it meant to me for you, my friends, to be there for me. And I don't want what I'm about to write to make you think I didn't completely appreciate everything.

The title says it all. The dogs somehow just helped me get through it. It's like they knew something was wrong and I needed something to brighten my day. It's like they knew I didn't want to talk, I just wanted someone to cuddle with, and apparently get licked to death haha. I guess that's really all I have to say about that. :-)

Inspiration

Well, I am sitting up trying to find the words for what to say for my mom's memorial service. I am terrified of talking in front of people but I feel that she deserves to have someone stand up for her. I can hear her saying, "Now Jennifer, you don't have to do that for me." But her face would be showing how proud she is. That was my mom, never wanting to put herself first but never being able to hide how she really felt. I loved that about my mom, and honestly I think I have that a little. Where if you really know her, you know exactly what she is thinking by the expression on her face. I knew when Dad was in trouble, I knew when she was proud, I knew when she was so happy that she couldn't find the words so she would just smile. When growing up I never understood why girls would get mad at their mom's because I got along so well with mine. I always wanted her around, at school dances, when my friends would come hang out, going to the movies, anything. I think what was so great is that she didn't try so hard, she wasn't one of those mom's that tried to act like she was our age, it was very obvious that she was the adult (you will address an adult as Mrs. or Mr.). But she made it to where I wanted her around and didn't mind. I wish I had asked her the secret to that, how did she do it? Or was that just our relationship? I always say that she was my best friend and it's true. Whenever anything serious or silly happened she was always the one I wanted to call. She knew what was best but would let me make my own decisions, she let me learn right from wrong and to take the consequences that went with them. She had the kindest heart. In elementary school she was in charge of the clothes closet. This was where people would either donate their clothes or at the end of the year she would take the lost and found and they would give the clothes to kids in need. I remember all the time she would spend making sure it was organized and would talk about how much we had (and at that time it wasn't a lot) compared to others and that we should always be thankful for what we have. She donated everything. If it was not completely broken it was being donated. She didn't understand garage sales. She said she did one once and understood like estate sales for furniture and what not, but for clothes or toys or books she said she didn't want the $1 you get for them, she wanted to give them to someone who would truly want it. That's why she always did the salvation army because they completely give the clothes to people in need for free (the other places sell the items). She always made time for herself. That was something she instilled in me for when I'm a mom that you always have to make time for yourself or you can't be the mom, wife, daughter, etc. that you want to be. Every other week she got her nails done (when she died they had just been done in this bright red that she wore so well). She wouldn't give it up because that was something that made her feel pretty. She bent over backwards for her family but still made time for herself which I thought was amazing. She always knew how to talk to me in a way that didn't upset me. Like if I was raging mad at one of my sisters, she would let me yell (I'm sure with the phone 5 feet away from her ear) and then once I was done she would talk to me. Let me know when I was right and let me know when I needed to maybe (cough cough) put myself in their position and see how they are feeling. She always believed in me. I am rather hard on myself a lot (which honestly I don't know where it came from because my parents have both been very supportive and told me I could do anything and I was great at stuff) and she would always lift me up. Some of my "friends" in elementary school always tried to make me feel stupid or would make fun of my ears and she was right there to pull me out of it. She would show me things I knew and told me my ears gave me character (until I got surgery haha). It's interesting to see all of the reasons why I love my mom because a lot of them are the same things I love in Steven. I truly think, as I have since very soon after I met Steven, that God put him in my life right at that time so that I would have someone to fill that important spot in my life. Everyone needs a rock. Everyone needs someone to be by their side no matter what, tell you can do whatever you want to do, and love you unconditionally. That was my mom. And now that is my husband. I just finished the slideshow for the memorial service (with Steven's help) and what I was emotional about the most were the pictures before she got sick. Especially the ones with her and dad. She battled with pancreatic cancer for 8 years. Through college she was in remission but it was always there with check ups and tests. It's hard to think back 8 years (before I was a junior in high school) and remember her strength and happiness. Strength in this sense meaning that she wasn't sick, she was completely healthy, and happiness in that there wasn't any worry about the future. I had forgotten. I had forgotten before the pain, the hard phone calls, the doctor visits, the will she die before Thanksgiving? will she make it to my wedding? will she ever see my kids? I forgot that time. It was such a long time ago. But through those 8 years I really feel like that is what defined her character, that is what we will truly remember her for. She battled PANCREATIC cancer for 8 years. That is just unheard of. The first time she got sick she had a 4% chance to live. The second time she had a 1% chance to live past Thanksgiving and she made it two years. That was my mom, a fighter, a survivor, the strongest woman I know. Pancreatic cancer was also one of the most painful cancers to have. She let the pain show at home, but if she was out in public or at an event no one thought she was sick, she never showed it. On my wedding day she was in a lot of pain, she wouldn't tell me but as I said before, I can read her face. But no matter how much pain she was in, she stood up and danced with me at my wedding. Mom and I danced all the time. Whenever we watched one of the CSI shows we would always dance to the beginning song (especially the Miami one). Sometimes we would just crank the music in the house and jam out. That's why the dance was so important to me, it is a very distinct happy memory I have of her before she got sick. While we were dancing she put on a huge smile turned to my dad and said, "Sweetheart, I can't breathe, I need to sit down." Now remember the whole time she is smiling, so no one ever knew. The love and strength she had was absolutely amazing to me. I hope I have a little of that in me. I love you mom.